Emma has been struggling with her language and communication and I noticed it fairly early on. I think I flagged it early only because she is a twin. If I didn't have another child of the same age, I don't know if I would've noticed it as a problem so soon. Then again, I feel guilty for not doing something about it sooner.
I had been noticing some strange behavior...like the repeating and reciting and the distorted or inappropriate responses to questions. She seemed to know a response was required, so she'd just repeat my question. There were also times that Emma would completely fall apart and cry when interacting with some of her loving family members like her papaws. They looked at her too long? Too soon? She wasn't ready for that head-pat? She suddenly felt social pressure or intense discomfort for whatever reason. It was sad. It was scary. I'd hold her and try to comfort her. She'd eventually come through the panicked crying and heavy breathing. I felt a need to apologize to her papaw and explain that she really does love him. Ummm...I'm so sorry that Emma seems to find you horrifying. Haha! It was a little embarrassing. But I think they understood. We all understood that something was going on inside of Emma that we didn't understand.
But I think I do kind of understand. I was a very sensitive child. I remember feeling intense waves of emotions with every vulnerable moment or awkward exchange. Anytime I was spotlighted, I felt it. Anytime I was singled out at all for any reason, I was extremely uncomfortable and could be easily brought to tears over anything. I couldn't help it. My feelings were so intense and out of my control. Maybe that's what Emma's feeling. But maybe it's a little bit more than that. She says things totally out of context. For example, her latest strange repetitive go-to is "I can't see." Yes, she can see. This is something she says when she needs an escape clause.
Emma, don't hit your brother!
"I can't see..."
Emma did you make this chocolate syrup mess?
"I can't see..."
She started saying it after school one day when apparently other kids were saying they couldn't see the tv because she was standing in their way. I imagine she was then told to sit. She must've seen this as a valid excuse that requires the other person to move. "I can't see," is the trump card...the I'm-right-and-you're-wrong card...the it's-not-my-fault card. For now. Before "I can't see," the trump card was, "I have to go home." She'd say it every time she faced resistance of any kind. Even when we were at home, she had to go home. She'd say it at everyone else's house too, and I'd worry about her rudeness. Ugh, why does she have to have these strange, rude outbursts? Sigh... she'll be okay. Before "I have to go home," the trump card was: "Melmon, now, shut up!" That's a line from a movie. She said it when she was mad. She'd yell it out in church when she couldn't go sit with Mimi in the choir loft. Ummm...she doesn't mean that, guys.... I promise she's a sweet little girl.... lol
I'd swear sometimes that she was just parroting everything and not taking in any meaning at all from language. But I knew that wasn't true. She knew when to protest. I knew when "I have to go home" was coming. But I couldn't excuse her behavior and ignore her intelligence. I was taking meaning from hers. I knew what melmon now shut up and I have to go home meant.
I know what "I can't see" means. But that won't help her. No one else knows. I can't accommodate her by ignoring it and adapting to it. "Use your words, Emma, ...the right ones."
As this problem was surfacing, I was aware of my brain shutting it out. I know denial is usually not something you are aware of...but I was a little aware. I knew something was different, something that might be bad. What if my baby has something that may make all of my dreams for her out of reach? What if there's nothing we can do to help her? I'll just not worry, I said. She'll be fine, I said. I'll just wait for...whatever this is to go away.
What if it doesn't go away?
When the kids were starting school, I was so excited and anxious. I was well-aware of Emma's verbal weaknesses and her destructive tendencies, as I have written about in Pick-it-up-now... and Tay inna Win., so I was sure to warn her teacher at the 1st meet-and-greet. Judging by the look on her face as I tried to explain, she probably thought I was one of those mothers whose baby is always the exception, who's always in need of special treatment. But she was nice, and she listened.
Then, the folders started coming home with daily behavioral marks. It has been interesting to see how differently the kids' teachers manage their classrooms. I truly appreciate all of their differences. Ethan's teacher doesn't send home a behavioral mark or grade at all. I've yet to hear a peep about Ethan's daily conduct. Emma, however, has not escaped the radar. And that's good, right? Green monster for Emma's sweet teacher! ;) That's what I think she needs, to be on all of our radars. Ethan, on the other hand, is yelling out his coordinates at every turn, so we don't have to radar him as closely.
The behavioral scoring system in Emma's class is Green Monster, Yellow Monster, and Red Monster. Her teacher made sure to clarify that "monster" was a term of endearment, her whole class being known as "The Marvelous Monsters."
On the first week, Emma had a yellow monster and a red monster. That escalated quickly. My heart started racing. I didn't know what to do. Should I punish her? I was so worried because she couldn't/wouldn't tell me anything. She couldn't/wouldn't answer any of my questions. She'd get a far-off look in her eyes and be babbling or la-di-da-ing to herself, but somewhere in the distance, she must hear me saying: "Emma, why did you hit your friend at school today? Emma...Emma, honey, look at Momma."
We took her to her doctor and he referred us to an occupational therapist. When he first walked in the door, he spoke to Emma:
"Hi, Emma."
"Hi."
"What book are you reading?"
"Library..."
He was quick to tell us that he doesn't think she has..."The 'A' Word." Yes, he used that term: "I'm certain just from that brief encounter that she does not have...The 'A' Word."
He knows how afraid parents are of that word...of autism. I was afraid of autism...of that word and what I don't know. I had wondered if she was on that vague phenomenon known as "the spectrum" before, but I decided that it didn't matter. Whatever it was, I love her still the same.
One day after Ethan had a failed interaction with her, he asked, "Mom...why are Emma's words wrong?" He had never asked that before and I was glad because before that time, I wasn't prepared to confront that question. I was too scared and frustrated and powerless. There was nothing I could do about the red monsters and the wrong words. After all the worry and fear, I think I am winning the battle with my own red monster. I know that no amount of discouragement will help her. Only love will.
"I don't know, brother, but she is working on it, and someday her words will be right. We just have to help her and love her."
"I love Emma," he said. "And I'll help her."
We all love her more and more every day, and we know that her speech and occupational therapy are some great things we can do to help her make her own dreams come true.
