Land on the Horizon

There were two other sets of twins admitted in the NICU before us, so the twin rooms were taken. I saw one set of twins being pushed down the hallway in their double stroller on the day they were released. Those parents looked so happy. I joined in the clapping and smiling from the door of one of our rooms, wishing the family well. Bet that's nice. Bet that feels pretty good.

We got to move into the twin room they left behind on our last week. At the time, I didn't know how much longer we'd be there. It crossed my mind that one baby could be released and the other baby would have to stay. Emma was still just a little behind Ethan in her eating. The feeding schedule was one of my irritations. The feedings were to happen at 8, 11, 2, and 5, etc. If a nurse was running late for a feeding, we had to wait. The next nurse on duty would have to get back on the exact time. This sometimes interfered with the babies' progress. They weren't hungry yet. Then they wouldn't eat it all. The doctor kept raising the minimum for milk. What will we do if Emma is not released at the same time? This became my new anxious fear.

Meanwhile, I got a text message from my substitute at work saying that she would not be able to finish the semester, and "your students miss you." Her last day would be on some rapidly approaching day. "See you when you get back!" Awesome. Because I was just thinking that I needed another source of anxiety, another new worry for a situation that I can do nothing about. I spoke to the chair of my department and she confirmed that the sub was quitting for unexplained reasons, and she didn't yet know what would be done. Thankfully, after a few days, my courageous, problem-solving leader convinced the sub to see it through. Whew. My mind was able to focus again on my most important role, mother to these sweet angels.


Emma and Ethan graduated from their isolates into big boy
and big girl cribs on separate sides of the twin room.

For the first time, we were able to briefly unplug a few wires
and lay the babies down in the same crib. I don't
know what I expected, but they didn't really seem
to notice each other. Hmm.

And I was finally able to hold them at the same time! It made me feel so...complete. It would have been better if my back wasn't killing me. I also hated that my first time double holding felt so awkward. I felt like I could not adjust them at all if they were to slip. It was kind of scary to be honest. But the most wonderful scary I've ever felt!

Ethan's feeding tube came out a few days later, and I was so happy for him. What a strong boy! It was the first time I'd seen his face without medical tape. So happy...
Little Emma was asleep in her crib with her feeding tube still taped to her face. It was a mixed pot of emotions. I needed to have a little talk with her.

Emma, please, honey. If you eat all of your bottles, we get to go home. But if you need a little more time, I understand. I will stay by your side until you're ready. I will not leave you. Ethan will have to go home to be with Daddy, but they'll be just fine.  Emma, did you know this is not your home? You have a pretty house waiting for you...with a yard and 3 dogs waiting to meet you...and your own room, and your own clothes and your own toys. When we get home, you can eat however much you want whenever you want. But now I really need you to try to eat all you can, ok? Sweet angel.

OU football was in full-swing. It seemed like so much time had passed. I missed my cousin's bridal luncheon. We missed her wedding. I was supposed to do a reading during the ceremony. I felt such a loss that I couldn't watch her walk down the aisle. I couldn't be there on that happy day. I had been looking so forward to it for months. The world was still turning out there...and ours was standing still in here.

Rodney's 30th birthday was in just a few days.... I'm not sure how I expected life to be after their birth. I guess I was expecting nothing but joy. Instead of sending out birth announcements, we were sending out a prayer chain. But I had to count my blessings. The babies were doing so well. Ethan's feeding tube was out! and I think Emma and I had come to an understanding.