Heebie Jeebies!

A release nurse came to our room and gave me lots of pamphlets, instructional handouts, printed Power Points and a mental complex. She gave me a long talk on how to continue the babies' care, how preemies will develop a little differently, and other helpful things to keep in mind.  The part about the danger of the babies getting sick was what really resonated. She said that we were just beginning the big season for the flu and a horrible virus called RSV. She gave a warning that jolted my nervous system:

"RSV kills preemies," kills preemies, kills preemies, kills preemies...

She stressed her recommendation that we stay at home with few visitors for as long as possible. She went on to say that the season would be from now (September) clear until mid-April. At that moment, I was transformed into a paranoid germaphobe.
I became uncomfortable around people, small children that go to school or day care, and public places. I just wanted to make a bubble around us and stay in it until April. I was keenly aware of others' and my own
little sniffs,
face touching,
throat clearing,

knob touching,
and button pushing.
My imagination was running wild, coloring all things touched with red finger smudges: Contamination Take-Over!

There were sick people everywhere! Schools were even closing because of so many out with the flu.
I felt cornered and paralyzed. I wiped all the frequently touched things in our house with Clorox wipes at least once a day. When I got home from an errand, I changed clothes and washed my hands immediately. I was washing my hands so frequently that they started cracking and bleeding. I avoided touching anything. If my nose itched, I would just tough it out or use my shoulder or my knee. We still have gel all over the house. When people came over, I requested, insisted, that they use it. Some people refused....Some people got offended.
"So you think I'm dirty?"

I really didn't think anyone was dirty, I swear. I just know that people, we, live and thrive among germs, good germs and bad germs. We can carry viruses that we are immune to, or we could be getting sick and not know it. I might think it's just allergies, but what if I'm wrong? What shows up as mild sniffles or a cold in an adult can be RSV for a baby. I was so afraid.
Once in the NICU, I felt a sore throat coming on. This was before the grim reaper nurse. I was afraid to tell anyone. I thought they might kick me out. So I just wouldn't touch the babies as much, tried not to get too close. I cleaned our rooms frequently with the wipes and kept my hands clean. I finally confessed to one of the doctors and he said it is probably a virus, but it's ok. "Just use the gel like crazy and don't touch your face, and don't breathe on them. That's what I do when I get something like that and I have to be around the babies."
So even germ conscious medical professionals are not above a viral infection. I started feeling like they were closing in on me--germs, viruses.

This fear was very intense until the babies were able to receive an RSV vaccine. My fears started to ease even more when they got the flu shot at 6 months.
Going back to work helped me fully face my fear. Germ immersion. It seemed like a lot of my students sniffed excessively, coughed, and their hands were all over their faces while they were writing. The sounds of sniffing and coughing were magnified a million times in my head--everywhere I looked. Collecting papers made me a little nervous. I waited two days before I graded essays because Dr. Oz said that's how long a bug can live on a surface. I didn't want to use anyone's pencil or touch elevator buttons.
........................................................................

Every day that I didn't get sick, the babies didn't get sick, and I was able to slowly release my tension and focus on other things... I had to focus on other things. My job was just the thing I needed to occupy my mind.
When April passed, I would call myself a normal person again. I still wash my hands a lot and try to keep things clean, but I am thankfully no longer fixated on germs and getting sick.