Held Without Bond

Most moms-to-be can't wait for that moment when their baby is in their arms. That moment was one of the many things that didn't go as planned for me. I will never forget hearing the tiny cry of Emma. It was wonderful. It was life altering. It marked the beginning of my new life. It told me she was going to be ok. I squeezed my eyes tight while I waited for Ethan's cry. One minute later, he was crying and so was I. Thank you, God. They sounded like two tiny kittens. The nurses stood at the door of the operating room holding my little angels. "Look, Mom!"

This is it.... This is our first moment together and you are both ten feet away.

I caught a short glimpse of their tiny faces, their swaddled bodies, and then they were whisked away out the door, in the portable NICU isolates and on their way to St. Francis Children's Hospital in Tulsa. It killed me that I was not allowed to hold them, not even to be in the same room, or even in the same city as my babies.

What kind of prison is this?

I was to be held without bond at Hastings Hospital until I had recovered. I was told that only 4 people of our choice would be allowed to see the babies in Tulsa until we arrived there. We printed our parents' names on the lines, the people we trusted most, the next best thing for our babies. Rodney could have chosen to go to Tulsa to be with them, but he decided to wait for me.
He said, "I can't do that to you."  He slept on a chair in my room, by my side for the entire time.

I was in recovery for two days. I couldn't help but think about several people who told me how their c-section recovery was a breeze, painless, that they were up and walking normally the next day. I would laugh here, but it isn't funny.

On the second night, I awoke in such pain. I couldn't tell which was worse, the physical or emotional. Rodney woke up, startled: "What's wrong??"
"I'm sad."
He called his dad at two in the morning and we were assured that the babies were doing fine. His dad and his wife were spending the night with the babies. Thank God...someone who loved them was there by their side.

They were in the NICU because they required more development. They were kept in clear plastic, temperature controlled boxes. They were attached to monitors and bilirubin lights, breathing on their own, but they needed feeding tubes.

It is the most bizarre feeling in the world, the most alienating feeling...to have other people update you on your new babies, to have other people bring you pictures of your babies that you've never even really seen.

It isn't fair.