Karli's Story: "My Night with E & E"

This post was written by Karli Ashing:

Dear Emma and Ethan, I am about to tell you about the first time I baby sat you. It was kind of a long night lol! When I first got there you guys were so excited. Emma kept saying HI KARLI! It was so cute. Ethan just said hi Karli once. When I first got there we rode scooters and bikes. But Ethan wouldn't ride his bike until I put his helmet on. He said Karli are you forgetting something? I said what do you mean? He said you forgot to buckle my helmet. But when it was Emma's turn she didn't care about her helmet. I had to put it on her or she wouldn't have worn it. While we were riding bikes Ethan and I decided we were going to race. Emma wasn't quite fast enough to race yet though. So Ethan and I raced to the end of the street and the first time he beat me. P.S. I let him win! But the second time I won. After we played outside we went inside. All Ethan wanted to do is watch Batman. He was so happy he could watch a big kid movie. He was saying I watch this movie and it is SCARY! And I don't even get scared. When we put in the movie Ethan didn't watch it at first. But after a while he started to watch it. Every time a scary part would come he would run to me and say that was a scary part Karli! Emma was asking me to do the airplane the whole time. The airplane is when I pick her up with my feet on her stomach. When she was in the air she would try to flip over. She loves doing that. As the night went on Emma decided she wanted to pee the floor. Then after she peed she thought it was funny. It was kinda funny how she did it though. She was wearing a dress. So she hiked up her dress, squatted, and peed. So let's just say her momma and daddy were not to happy about it! So this this my story of the first time I babysat.

I had a great night with you love you E&E.

                                 - Karli Nicole Ashing

[LOST FILES TWINCIDENT!] Dear "Baby,"

As Rodney was rearranging his vinyl record cabinet, he stumbled upon a small piece of paper folded in half....

Later, he handed it to me, and I read it for the first time since I wrote it...

I thought it would make a perfect "Throw-back Thursday" post for the blog...way back to when I was only a few months along and hadn't yet learned what was in store.

This, beloved Twincidents Readers, is the 1st Twincident ever. I give you..."The Lost Files Twincident," The Original Incident:

4-year-old Dempsey sayings...

"Is that our local library we just passed?" [Yes, it was.]

"Mom, someone disturbed me while I was eating." [At a birthday party]

"Mom, does Mimi wanna play with me bad, bad, bad?"

"Jesus wants us to brush our teeth. He's in our hearts and he doesn't wanna smell stinky teeth."

"No! I can't just wear my beater because it won't make me warm as toast!!" [After I tried to convince him to just wear his undershirt with pajama pants instead of a pajama shirt]

"Mom, I'm hungry. And one thing you can't do is leave a man hungry and thirsty." [After repeating that he's hungry several times while Mommy was putting away laundry]

"And even I'm kinda thirsty in here." [Frequent tag]

"Mom, Emma's got her jynis out. She needs to put on her panties, so I don't have to see her jynis. That's private."

Did you pee-pee in the bed last night?

"Yes, but I didn't poo-poo." [Okay, he never poo-poos the bed....]

Well, that's good, but you need to wake up and use the bathroom instead, don't ya?

"Yeah, but I was just sleeping and doin' my sang...I didn't know I had to pee-pee."

You are so smart, Ethan.

"Sanks."

"When I'm an adult, I'm gonna buy that."

Ugh, this mess. You kids keep making huge messes every time I turn around...

"I'm a kid. That's why...."

"Mom, the Easter Bunny wears shoes under his fur. And he has skin on his arms because his fur...is a sleeve!! And his head...is huge!"

4-year-old Lynny sayings

"Mom, guess what?"
--What?
"Poo-poo head."

"I need granola bar. Can I--granola bar, pwease? Say, 'Yes, you may, Emma.'"

"Ice cream--shut it." [When she can't have ice cream]

"Five. Five candies, pwease." [After learning how to count and how to choose only one candy instead of a huge handful, this is her new candy strategy.] 

"Hi, Chuck. 'I not Chuck'." [I have no idea why this happens.]

"This is terrible!" [Having her hair brushed] "I got tangles. I got pizza on my hair."

"Get off a my spot."

"Weave. Me. A. Wone!"

"'You needa say you sorry'--Sorry!"

"This makes me so sad."

"Mom, sing the Ariel song!" [Again.]

"I'm tellin on you. I'm tellin' Mimi on you, Mommy."

"Shhhh, let Emma rest."

"Emma's talkin'--shut it." [Oh, yes, she did.]

"You not listen-ing"

"Hi, tree! You so beautiful. That's a big ol' tree."

"Really?"

"Absolutely."

"Exactly."

"Whadiya want for breh-fixt? Eggs?" [Takes order with pencil and pad]

"Bus rid-ers--STAND UP!!" [This one cracks me up, so I say it a lot too. ;)]

Bawkin' Bunny

We were just pushing our cart up to the back of a long line at the grocery store, and Ethan had already honed in on the candy.

"Mom, you should get us some of that candy. Because you never let us have candy. You always say no. So we never, ever get candy."

"Well, that's because I don't wanna get somethin' started, so you think you're gonna get candy every time we go somewhere."

"Because of you, I'll never have candy every day."

I laughed. "You're welcome."

Emma noticed some shiny eggs. "Eggs! Mom, what's a chicken say?"

"Bawk-bawk," I said.

Then, Emma noticed the bunny on the egg box. "A bunny!! Mom, what's a bunny say?"

And she looked back at me, waiting for me to do the bunny face. I never have a sound for a bunny when she wants one, so I just pucker my lips and move them up and down like a bunny. She loves it. She does the bunny face back to me, and we both smile every time. It's like our own little inside joke.

I made the bunny face but then said, "But this bunny right here says bawk-bawk-bawk like a chicken. It lays these chocolate eggs, and there's creme inside them. I never did like them. I'm not big on creme-filling."

"That bunny says bawk-bawk-bawk? Like a chicken??"

"Yes, I promise. What a silly bunny, huh?"

Ethan laughed very hard and told the man in line behind us all about the confused bunny. "This bunny thinks it's a chicken! It says bawk-bawk-bawk like a chicken! And it lays chocolate eggs!"

"Yes," the man laughed along, "the Cadbury Bunny!"

"Me. Mom, pwease. I need 5 eggs," Emma said as she pointed to the eggs.

"When I'm an adult, I'm gonna buy one of those. And one for Emma, too," said Ethan.

"Awwww, you are a sweet brother," I said.

"We would like those, Mom. They're not gross. They're yummy!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, how about I buy you and Emma both one, so you can try it for yourselves?"

"Okay!!" said Ethan.

"Yeah!!" said Emma.

When we finally got to the car, they both concentrated and worked very busily to get that shiny, smoothly wrapped foil from their prizes.

I smiled as I drove home in the complete quiet except for the "Mmmmm's" and the satisfied smacks of those little shugs in the back seat.

Sensory Overload

Emma has been struggling with her language and communication and I noticed it fairly early on. I think I flagged it early only because she is a twin. If I didn't have another child of the same age, I don't know if I would've noticed it as a problem so soon. Then again, I feel guilty for not doing something about it sooner.

I had been noticing some strange behavior...like the repeating and reciting and the distorted or inappropriate responses to questions. She seemed to know a response was required, so she'd just repeat my question. There were also times that Emma would completely fall apart and cry when interacting with some of her loving family members like her papaws. They looked at her too long? Too soon? She wasn't ready for that head-pat? She suddenly felt social pressure or intense discomfort for whatever reason. It was sad. It was scary. I'd hold her and try to comfort her. She'd eventually come through the panicked crying and heavy breathing. I felt a need to apologize to her papaw and explain that she really does love him. Ummm...I'm so sorry that Emma seems to find you horrifying. Haha! It was a little embarrassing. But I think they understood. We all understood that something was going on inside of Emma that we didn't understand.

But I think I do kind of understand. I was a very sensitive child. I remember feeling intense waves of emotions with every vulnerable moment or awkward exchange. Anytime I was spotlighted, I felt it. Anytime I was singled out at all for any reason, I was extremely uncomfortable and could be easily brought to tears over anything. I couldn't help it. My feelings were so intense and out of my control. Maybe that's what Emma's feeling. But maybe it's a little bit more than that. She says things totally out of context. For example, her latest strange repetitive go-to is "I can't see." Yes, she can see. This is something she says when she needs an escape clause.

Emma, don't hit your brother!

                  "I can't see..."

Emma did you make this chocolate syrup mess?

                  "I can't see..."

She started saying it after school one day when apparently other kids were saying they couldn't see the tv because she was standing in their way. I imagine she was then told to sit. She must've seen this as a valid excuse that requires the other person to move. "I can't see," is the trump card...the I'm-right-and-you're-wrong card...the it's-not-my-fault card. For now. Before "I can't see," the trump card was, "I have to go home." She'd say it every time she faced resistance of any kind. Even when we were at home, she had to go home. She'd say it at everyone else's house too, and I'd worry about her rudeness. Ugh, why does she have to have these strange, rude outbursts? Sigh... she'll be okay. Before "I have to go home," the trump card was: "Melmon, now, shut up!" That's a line from a movie. She said it when she was mad. She'd yell it out in church when she couldn't go sit with Mimi in the choir loft. Ummm...she doesn't mean that, guys.... I promise she's a sweet little girl.... lol

I'd swear sometimes that she was just parroting everything and not taking in any meaning at all from language. But I knew that wasn't true. She knew when to protest. I knew when "I have to go home" was coming. But I couldn't excuse her behavior and ignore her intelligence. I was taking meaning from hers. I knew what melmon now shut up and I have to go home meant.

I know what "I can't see" means. But that won't help her. No one else knows. I can't accommodate her by ignoring it and adapting to it. "Use your words, Emma, ...the right ones."

As this problem was surfacing, I was aware of my brain shutting it out. I know denial is usually not something you are aware of...but I was a little aware. I knew something was different, something that might be bad. What if my baby has something that may make all of my dreams for her out of reach? What if there's nothing we can do to help her? I'll just not worry, I said. She'll be fine, I said. I'll just wait for...whatever this is to go away. 

What if it doesn't go away?

When the kids were starting school, I was so excited and anxious. I was well-aware of Emma's verbal weaknesses and her destructive tendencies, as I have written about in Pick-it-up-now... and Tay inna Win., so I was sure to warn her teacher at the 1st meet-and-greet. Judging by the look on her face as I tried to explain, she probably thought I was one of those mothers whose baby is always the exception, who's always in need of special treatment. But she was nice, and she listened.

Then, the folders started coming home with daily behavioral marks. It has been interesting to see how differently the kids' teachers manage their classrooms. I truly appreciate all of their differences. Ethan's teacher doesn't send home a behavioral mark or grade at all. I've yet to hear a peep about Ethan's daily conduct. Emma, however, has not escaped the radar. And that's good, right? Green monster for Emma's sweet teacher! ;) That's what I think she needs, to be on all of our radars. Ethan, on the other hand, is yelling out his coordinates at every turn, so we don't have to radar him as closely.

The behavioral scoring system in Emma's class is Green Monster, Yellow Monster, and Red Monster. Her teacher made sure to clarify that "monster" was a term of endearment, her whole class being known as "The Marvelous Monsters."

On the first week, Emma had a yellow monster and a red monster. That escalated quickly. My heart started racing. I didn't know what to do. Should I punish her? I was so worried because she couldn't/wouldn't tell me anything. She couldn't/wouldn't answer any of my questions. She'd get a far-off look in her eyes and be babbling or la-di-da-ing to herself, but somewhere in the distance, she must hear me saying: "Emma, why did you hit your friend at school today? Emma...Emma, honey, look at Momma."

We took her to her doctor and he referred us to an occupational therapist. When he first walked in the door, he spoke to Emma:

"Hi, Emma."
"Hi."
"What book are you reading?"
"Library..."

He was quick to tell us that he doesn't think she has..."The 'A' Word." Yes, he used that term: "I'm certain just from that brief encounter that she does not have...The 'A' Word."

He knows how afraid parents are of that word...of autism. I was afraid of autism...of that word and what I don't know. I had wondered if she was on that vague phenomenon known as "the spectrum" before, but I decided that it didn't matter. Whatever it was, I love her still the same.

One day after Ethan had a failed interaction with her, he asked, "Mom...why are Emma's words wrong?" He had never asked that before and I was glad because before that time, I wasn't prepared to confront that question. I was too scared and frustrated and powerless. There was nothing I could do about the red monsters and the wrong words. After all the worry and fear, I think I am winning the battle with my own red monster. I know that no amount of discouragement will help her. Only love will.

"I don't know, brother, but she is working on it, and someday her words will be right. We just have to help her and love her."

"I love Emma," he said. "And I'll help her."

We all love her more and more every day, and we know that her speech and occupational therapy are some great things we can do to help her make her own dreams come true.

Alpha and Omega

After the death of Ethan and Emma's Papaw Jack, Ethan was confused and thoughtful. Emma would state now and then that Papaw was in heaven, and we would gently confirm. They both seemed to accept this as a vague fact, but Ethan was more concerned about the concept than Emma. They do go to church on Sundays, but I really didn't think my 4-year-olds were taking away any religious concepts other than "Jesus Loves Me."

One day as we were lazily playing in the front yard, Ethan made a comment that was disturbing for me, and a very significant conversation ensued:

Ethan: God's dead.

Me: --No, He isn't. [stunned] God is alive. Ethan, why did you say that?

Ethan: Because he's in heaven like Papaw.

Me: He's alive in heaven and in your heart.

Ethan: [Looking down at his shirt] How does God fit in my chest?

Me: God is in your love. That love you feel for Mommy and Daddy and Emma, that happy in your heart, that's God.

Ethan: Is this leaf alive?

Me: Yes. [feeling somewhat relieved of the gravity]

Ethan: And when it dies, it'll go to heaven.

Me: Ummm...if it has love in its heart.

Ethan: It does have love in its heart.

Me: Ok. Then, it will go to heaven.

Ethan: ....Why did God make his son die? ...on the cross.

Me: [stunned again] He didn't make him die. He died on the cross because of mean people.

Ethan: Is my dad gonna make me die?

Me: No. Never. Ethan you are such a deep little thinker. God loves that about you, and so do I.


Amen.

Parkbook: Social Networking

I had one of those moments that I knew would come, one of those small beautiful moments that I'd seen happen to other mothers on the playground, and it was amazing.

Just as I was thinking it was about time to go home, a small group of kids about my kids' age arrived at the playground, and I thought, "Oh, here they come. I wonder if my kids know any of them."

Now that Emma and Ethan have started school, I knew this moment would come soon. Emma looked over...and started yelling, "Hi! Hi!" Then she ran over to one of the kids.

"Emma!" the little girl beamed. Awww...they were so excited to see each other. Then Ethan spotted her and ran over too. He got right in her face with a big smile, as if to say, "Look, I'm here, too! Do you see me too?"

"Ethan!" the sweet little girl said.
"I didn't know you were here!!!" said Ethan.
"I didn't know you were here either!" she giggled. "Come on, let's go!" The three of them ran up the stairs and all over the big toy.

I couldn't have smiled any bigger. I think I almost cried. The joy that I had for those big kids is indescribable. I know it may seem like no big deal. But I stood there in the grass at a distance with my hands on my cheeks. I felt like I was watching a movie of my kids' lives. And I felt like I was invisible, just an onlooker. I was no longer needed for every little meet-and-greet, no longer hanging in the balance for every possible mishap. They were so big and so happy. I watched as the little girl introduced Emma and Ethan to her other friends. It was amazing. "This is Emma, and this is Ethan. They're my friends."

I couldn't leave after that. I wanted them to have a nice long time of playing together before we had to go home.

It was just the other day that I brought them to this park for the very first time. I'd see other kids meeting and recognizing each other from school, and I'd think, wow, I wonder what that feels like...to have your kids knowing people that you don't know, to have them out in the world making friends on their very own.

After a while, Ethan came running over to me. "We know her, Mom! She knows our names! She's not in my class, but she knows my name!"

"Well, what's her name?"

"Ummm...Aleesia!!" as he jumped high in the air, full of childhood excitement.

Tanish

When Ethan and Emma started learning their colors, they were all over it. They wanted to tell me what color everything was. And if they weren't sure, or if I seemed to be losing focus, they'd ask me what color it was. Then, I bought a color puzzle that named all kinds of lesser known shades. There was fuchsia, periwinkle, chartreuse, aqua, and azure.... It looked a lot like this one:

They had most of those colors down in a few weeks. I was so proud to hear my babies using such smart words.

Then, one day, when we were reading one of his books, Ethan was naming all of the different colors of the Sesame Street characters. He suddenly paused and asked, "Mommy, what color are you?"

I thought about it for a second, and of course, my first instinct was to say, "white," but I knew he'd never go for it. So I said, "Ummm...I'm kinda tanish, I guess."

Instantly, I saw the opportunity for racial identification, but I passed on it. He's so young. I know the time will come when he will be exposed to society and its stereotypes and racial classifications, but for now...what does it matter? He asked me about color, not race.

"Tanish? Well...what color am I?"
"You're kinda tanish, too."
"Is Emma tanish?"
"Yep, her too. And Daddy. We're all tanish."

I figured my next step would be to look up the names of every shade of brown and variation of white that I could. But, he never got hung up on it, never asked me about all of the colors of the people we saw when we were out. It never seemed to strike him that there were a lot more colors of people than just tanish.

Then, one day when we were in the grocery store, a man said hello to me as he passed, as many polite people do, and after he was a ways down the aisle, Ethan said, "Who is that man?"
"What man?"
"That brown man with the different hair..."
"Oh... That man who said hello to us? I don't know him. He just said hello, so I said hello, too."
"Because he's nice?"
"Yep, he seemed nice."
"Does he know our names?"
"Nope."
"Why doesn't he know our names?"
"Because we didn't tell him."
"Let's go tell him!"
"No...let's not bother him right now while he's shopping."
"Awwww...he'll never, ever know our names." He's getting so dramatic these days. Everything is never, ever going to happen again. I can not imagine where he gets that. ;)

Just the other day, another skin conversation happened. I was putting sunscreen on him, which he hates. He was crying hysterically: "You're making me turn white! Stop making me turn white!"

"Let me rub it in.... See? There. Tanish again. We have to put on sunscreen so we don't turn red."
"We'll turn red??"
"Yes. The sun will burn your skin and make you turn bright red and it hurts really bad."
"Well, I don't want to be red and hurt really bad."
"Well, then you better let me put this sunscreen on you, so you'll be safe...and tanish."
"Well...okay."

I smile every time I hear him refer to a person's color as tanish. Little sweetie pie. I hope no one ever corrects him about that. Clearly, he is tanish, y'all.

Old Cookbook

Emma took down my cook book from a decorative shelf in our kitchen. That's what it is pretty much, decorative. My mom gave it to me with the best of hopes I'm sure. I love it because it was hers and I have lots of memories of her actually using it. I love the red plaid cover and the old yellow pages. 

Ethan came to announce his sister's obvious offense at once: "Emma's-playing-with-the-food-book!"

"She is? What food book?" I asked as I headed in the direction he was leading me. "Oh, that food book." Ethan's head snapped toward me, like...what's to be done about this?? 

Seeing no real discouragement, Ethan asked, "What's it called? Is it Rachel Ray?"

I laughed and said, "No, not Rachel Ray. Let's see.... It's called Better Homes New Cook Book." 

"Oh, is it new?" asked Ethan. Of course he would ask that.

"Well, no...it's actually really old, so I'll let you guys play with it, but you have to be REALLY careful with the pages because they're VERY delicate."

They seemed to hear me very clearly and then turned to start right in. Their little hands tried so hard but clumsily bent the page in the first turn. It's a 3-ring binder, so it is already a little more complicated than typical page-turning. But Emma just placed her hand on the page and slid it hard to the left, straining it to the maximum of its life. Ethan tried to intervene and picked up the book from the table, and small recipe inserts fell to the floor. 

"Uh-oh, okay it's falling apart. We've played with it long enough." I picked up the inserts and placed them inside the binder. All the while, Ethan is begging me, starting in on the plan to convince me to give him the food book. Real tears were streaming down his face as I placed it back in its place. 

His last outcry for justice came flying out of his mouth: "BUT NO ONE EVER READS IT!" I was taken aback. Huh. That's true. I never read that book and I never cook from it. Now, I feel guilty. I don't cook enough. And I'm a mean mommy.

"Okay, I will let you play with it one more time if you promise to be careful with the pages."

"Okay, okay, okay, okay!"

They were much more careful this time, and Emma kept looking up and saying, "Careful with the pa-ges." 

Then, Ethan gave me a far-off look and said, "Can I read the Rachel Ray one?" 

I smiled and said, "Yes, you may because I never read that one either."